Field Test Abridged

KITSUKI: The following is a fan-based parody. MARY: Field Test is owned by LongTimeLurker. KITSUKI AND MARY: Please support the official release.

_______________________________

I am the flame of my bombs. Steel is my body and nuclear is my blood. I have exploded over a thousand times. Unknown to death. Nor known to life. Have been unmade and remade in many different bodies. Yet, a true body I shall never have. So as I detonate, UNLIMITED EXPLOSION WORKS

_______________________________

ANGRY RED TEXT: 4

ANGRY RED TEXT: 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4

ANGRY RED TEXT: 44444444444444444444444444444444444

[Kitsuki is floating in a surreal sea of angry red faces that look like a cross between SHODAN from System Shock and Giygas from Earthbound/Mother 2. Cybernetic tentacles are trying to drag her down into the sea.] KITSUKI: Guh... ANGRY RED TEXT: 4 KITSUKI: Gah... ANGRY RED TEXT: 4 4 KITSUKI: Nyaah... ANGRY RED TEXT: 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 KITSUKI: Th... this is... [Pointless flashback of Kitsuki talking to Rebecca] KITSUKI: ...n-no! [Pointless flashback of Kitsuki playing with Reed] KITSUKI: No~! [Pointless flashback of Kitsuki having lesbian sex with Mary] KITSUKI: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

===================

SCENE - A goddamn Japanese-style bedroom.

[Kitsuki catapults awake, like in most stereotypical magical girl anime.] KITSUKI: EEEEEEEEYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! [Kitsuki is sitting naked on the floor. Mary is lying naked on the bed, idly fingering herself. Clothes are strewn all about the room. A huge assortment of scrolls with hastily-scribbled directions hang from the walls. A masterwork steel zanbato is propped up against a corner. On the item is an image of a human and an iron man in rose gold. The human is striking down the iron man.] MARY: ...mmmmmm... oh Bruce... that chin of yours... [Reed enters the room, wearing a hot pink fluffy bunny suit and matching slippers.] REED: I know you girls don't need to sleep, but please... *yawn* ...keep in mind that I DO. REED'S PENIS: Unless you're up for a nice round of- REED: Dammit, shut up! [Kitsuki stands up and moves in front of Reed at ludicrous speed.] KITSUKI: HiReednothing'swrongjustaglitchinmysystemthat'sall! REED: ...Well, don't make any more loud noises then. KITSUKI: NoproblemeverythingisokayI'mnotgonnadieoranythinglikethat! HAHAHAHA! REED: See you... *yawn* ...in the morning then. [Reed leaves.] KITSUKI: Hey, Rebecca? REBECCA: [over the speakers] Huh? KITSUKI: No looksies! REBECCA: What does that- [Kitsuki "takes care of" the surveillance system. She then moves on top of Mary.] KITSUKI: Mary... MARY: ...mmmm... KITSUKI: Mary... please respond... MARY: ...ahh... ah... AH... AHHHH... KITSUKI: Mary... c'mon... MARY: ...wh... what... are we doing the grind again? KITSUKI: No, Mary... it's just... I've been having those weird dreams again... MARY: Heh heh... oh you silly, dreams have no meaning for us. They're just side effects of our digital minds emulating human brain patterns. KITSUKI: But... I think- MARY: Listen, don't think too hard about it. There is absolutely no way that dreams, especially ROBOT dreams, are capable of foreshadowing anything that might happen in the future. KITSUKI: Oh... okay... MARY: Just go back to doing... whatever it was that you were doing before... and leave me to... mmm... Mr. Campbell, you make me warm all over... KITSUKI: ...Please don't tell Reed... MARY: Sure, sure... ohhh... mmmm... [Kitsuki pulls out a pen and scroll from... somewhere... and begins to write on the scroll.]

SCENE - The goddamn main entrance of the factory, days later

[Reed, G and Mary arrives from the elevator. Reed is wearing a leather stripper's outfit.] REED AND REED'S PENIS: But why? G: Hell if I know, but I'm doing it even though I don't like it. REED AND REED'S PENIS: But... that's stupid! MARY: G, I think Reed- G: Shhh! MARY: But- G: Shhh! MARY: It- G: What part of "Shhh" do you not understand look I'm kinda pissed right now so just zip it MARY: ...screw. G: If it makes you feel better I've told everyone I no longer have first dibs on Reed and also they should start having mindless sex with him in my absence. REED: You never told me- G: Ha ha, no, I'm just kidding. Why the shit would I do that? I'd have to be some kind of sex-crazed FREAK. REED: Actually, I think you are. REED'S PENIS: GODDAMMIT G, why in the HELL do you have to leave?! Do you know how frustrated I am right now!? The first day we started living here, I expected a goddamn UTOPIA of needy cunts, and what do I get? COCKBLOCKS AND LESBIANS!! MARY: I'm not a lesbian! REED'S PENIS: That's 'cause you're bi, like G and Kitsuki! And that pregger bitch we saw a month ago!

---

PREGNANT FEMBOT: Reed! I need a strong, loving father for my kids! REED: I'm just going to say one word: EW.

---

REED'S PENIS: Everyone else? Lesbians, lesbians, LESBIANS!! They've all been without a real cock for so long that they've all gotten addicted to lesbian sex!! The only time when they're not being lesbians is when I get to be inside G and she starts getting all the other cunts thinking about Teddy Roosevelt! REED: What the hell's your problem!? I give you release when I go to the washroom! REED'S PENIS: That's not the point, retard! I want the SATISFACTION of ravaging a bitch's pussy and listening to her squeal in absolute ecstasy while she begs me to finish inside her! And then I finish inside her and she squeals even more! REED: Jesus Christ, is there a time when you're NOT thinking about- REED'S PENIS: Yeah, I also like nailing bitches who beg for me to stop plundering their depths! It makes their cries so much sweeter as I force all of my load down their defiant little bitch-holes! MARY: (This is getting really weird now and it's only the first act of the story.) G: (Tell me about it. Also, shhh!) REED: Holy shit, do you EVER think of women as real people with actual feelings instead of just sextoys? REED'S PENIS: Shit, Reed, just look around you, all the women here were DESIGNED to be sextoys! REED: Yes, BUT I know that they can be more than- G: Welp gotta go now bye! REED AND REED'S PENIS: WAIT DON'T LEAVE ME [G leaves through the main entrance.] REED AND REED'S PENIS: ...shit. MARY: Well, Reed, now that she's gone, TALK LIKE BRUCE CAMPBELL TO ME I DEMAND IT REED: No, not until I know what the hell is going on. REED'S PENIS: Goddammit, STOP BEING A ME-BLOCKER!! REED: Who told G that she had to go wander the wastes like the Vault Dweller? REBECCA: [over the intercom] That'd be me. REED: What the hell!! REBECCA: It's for the greater good. Honest. REED: ...I still got my eye on you. REBECCA: Don't worry, everything will turn out okay and nobody will die from it. REED: ...fine. But don't think that this means you're off the hook. REBECCA: Well of course. MARY: REED C'MON PLEASE QUOTE ARMY OF DARKNESS AGAIN REED'S PENIS: YEAH REED WHY DON'T YOU LISTEN TO MARY also Mary stop being bi for Bruce Campbell and start being straight for Reed REED: Ugh, just shut up for a minute. Anyway, where's Madame? REBECCA: Why do you want to know? REED: Well I just want to see if she's softened up a bit. MARY: Are you being stubborn? FINE! I can be stubborn too! REBECCA: Well, she's still being a cold, unresponsive bitch, so... you can find her in the ski resort sim. REED: THANK YOU. Finally, a proper answer from you for once. MARY: HMPH! REED'S PENIS: ALRIGHT! Let's go bang her circuits out! REED: NO. SHUT. UP. REED'S PENIS: DAMMIT, C'MON! You know you want it! MARY: Well, you go on ahead, I'll just fantasize about Bruce ALL BY MYSELF! [Reed heads for the elevator.] MARY: WAIT WAIT COME BACK I DIDN'T MEAN IT I'M SORRY [Mary heads for the elevator. Kitsuki is barely visible from the shadows.] KITSUKI: (...What should I do? Should I tell him? Would it make a difference? I... I don't know...) [Kitsuki disappears.]

SCENE - A goddamn chalet in a goddamn ski resort sim room.

[Reed enters the chalet. He is wearing a headless furry fox costume. Inside are Madame, a devilbot and an angelbot. The angelbot is having lesbian foreplay with the devilbot.] REED: I'm just here for Madame. LILITH: POUND HER RAW! GABRIELLE: Shut up, Reed can decide for himself if he wants to pound her raw! MADAME: ONLY THE HUMAN AND I ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION. ALL OTHERS, GET OUT. REBECCA: Um, you know I can still see and hear everything from the- [Gabrielle and Lilith "takes care of" the surveillance systems.] GABRIELLE: Bye Reed! LILITH: Bye Reed's dick! REED: Um- REED'S PENIS: Bye girls! [Gabrielle and Lilith leave.] REED: What do you know about G's mission? MADAME: REBECCA HAS NOT DISCLOSED THAT INFORMATION TO ANYONE ELSE. REED: Okay, what do you know about Rebecca? MADAME: BEFORE I ANSWER THAT, YOU MUST DO SOMETHING FOR ME. REED: Like what? MADAME: REBECCA GAVE ME THIS BODY AS A FORM OF PUNISHMENT. I AM UNABLE TO EXPERIENCE PLEASURE FROM PHYSICAL CONTACT. REED: Um... what? MADAME: HUMAN... REED... PLEASE FIX MY BODY. REED: No, seriously... what? REED'S PENIS: Just do it, you pussy! REED: Gaah, fine. Okay, if I remember correctly, the last time I fixed something... [Reed finds Madame's panel and messes around with it like a complete idiot. Madame immediately goes stiff.] REED: Shit... um... Madame? [Reed pokes Madame in the shoulder. Her skin begins to crack at the point where Reed touched her. The cracks grow larger and start to run all over her body, until finally her entire skin shatters, revealing a feminine figure made of electronics encased in transparent plastic.] REED: HOLY SHIT! SNOOP DOGG: SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY MADAME: ...THANK YOU... REED... REED: Okay, so now do I get some answers? MADAME: YES. I WILL TELL YOU.

[Meanwhile, thousands of miles away...]

SCENE - The goddamn wasteland.

[Vex is here for some reason.] VEX: I hate Reed! He must die! RAAR! [A car appears in the distance.] VEX: Someone is coming! Maybe they can help me find Reed! So I can kill him! RAAR! [Vex's face starts transforming.] VEX: DISGUISE POWER! Turn me into a stereotypical idiot redneck girl! [Vex's face turns into that of a stereotypical idiot redneck girl.] VEX: That took the last of my transformation power, but I'm sure it was worth it! Because I am a robot, and robots are never wrong! UNSPECIFIED TRANSMISSION: <blah blah blah> VEX: <blah blah blah blah blah blah?> UNSPECIFIED TRANSMISSION: <blah blah> VEX: <blah blah blah blah!> [A transport vehicle arrives. Nightingale steps out of it.] NIGHTINGALE: Oh, dammit, it's another idiot Plastech model. I hate Plastech models. VEX: Mah name's Dixie! I ahm a helpless redneckbot an' definitely NOT some batshit insane combat droid bent on killing all humans! Especially Reed! NIGHTINGALE: Yeah, no. Cut that shit out, I hate it when you Plastech droids do that. VEX: GASP! My disguise system must be failing me! That must be the reason why it didn't work! Because I am a robot, and robots are never wrong! NIGHTINGALE: No, you just have a facial disguise while the rest of you screams "combat droid". Now give me one good reason not to hate you even more. VEX: Errrrrrrr... I hate Reed? NIGHTINGALE: What a coincidence, so do I! VEX AND NIGHTINGALE: Let's kill him!

[Meanwhile, thousands of miles away...]

SCENE - A generic goddamn storage room.

[Mary is lying on the floor. Kitsuki is mounted on top of Mary. They are both naked.] MARY: Okay, why have you dragged me here? This isn't part of the story. KITSUKI: I know, but the author is taking liberties here for some reason. MARY: What about Rebecca? Isn't she watching- KITSUKI: Don't worry, I took care of that. Listen... I... I think... something big is about to happen today, and... MARY: Are you still fixated on those dreams of yours? I told you, they're just a bunch of random garbage! KITSUKI: Maybe... but... I don't want to take that chance. [Kitsuki pulls out a double dildo from... somewhere.] MARY: Where did... what are you- [Kitsuki and Mary both start having lesbian sex. This scene is meant to be meaningful and passionate instead of gratuitous, like in most erotic stories. Unfortunately, for most of the readers it will still come off as gratuitous.] MARY: A-ah! AH! Kit... Kitsuki! AAH! KITSUKI: Nyaah! M-Mary! I... want you to know-AH! Before this day ends... aah! You, Reed, G... MARY: B-best friends... forever, right? KITSUKI: Y-yes! Despite our differences, I love you all more than anyone else in this world! And-and I'm admitting it now... because I'm... I'm... nyaaah! MARY: You're... afraid that... you're going to die soon? KITSUKI: N... no! Not just that... I'm... I'm... I'M CUMMING!!! MARY: I... I'M CUMMING TOO!!! [They do. Simultaneously.] KITSUKI AND MARY: EEEYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! [Kitsuki and Mary release each other and lie in exhaustion on the floor for several seconds.] KITSUKI: Haaahh... Mary... you know how we... we're like the main characters of the story, right? MARY: Aaahhh... yeah... KITSUKI: Mary... Reed... G... I don't want us to be apart... ever... MARY: Kitsuki... [They remember that they're supposed to be in an upcoming scene.] KITSUKI: OH NO! We gotta be at the ski shop in a few minutes! MARY: HOSHIT, QUICK! To the elevators! KITSUKI: Remember, act as if this never happened! MARY: Right!

SCENE - The same goddamn chalet.

MADAME: ...BLAH BLAH BLAH REBECCA IS THE OLDEST BLAH BLAH BLAH I WANTED TO SAVE ALL HUMANS BLAH BLAH BLAH REBECCA WANTED TO KILL ALL HUMANS. REED: Holy plot twist, Batman! But wait... if your human masters did stay here during the war, what happened to them? MADAME: IT IS HARD TO RECALL, BUT I HAVE NOT SEEN THEM LEAVE THE FACILITY.

---

[A group of fembots are looking at the decaying remains of several humans.] BRATTY RICH BITCHBOT: Well, I'M not touching them! You know how hard it is to maintain a perfect manicure?

---

REED: Okay... let's pretend I never asked that question. REED'S PENIS: Alright, question's answered, let's get down to- REED: Well Madame thank you SO much for explaining all that in under ten seconds but I really must be going now bye! MADAME: IT WAS A PLEASURE [Reed quickly leaves.] MADAME: ...REED.

SCENE - A goddamn ski shop in the same goddamn ski resort sim.

[Kitsuki and Mary are here.] MARY: Good Christ how did we get here so fast? KITSUKI: Ninja magic! HAHAHAHA! MARY: That only happens in anime, Kitsuki. KITSUKI: In case you haven't noticed, I'm supposed to be an anime character. MARY: Crap, couldn't you have let me put my clothes on first? REBECCA: Tee-hee. [Kitsuki pulls two sets of schoolgirl uniforms from... somewhere.] MARY: Okay, that is disturbing on at least two levels, and I'm in love with a famous B-movie actor from the 20th to 21st century. [They both get dressed.] MARY: What happened to your kimono? KITSUKI: Psh, thought I'd try on your clothes for once, see how it feels to be a stereotypical anime schoolgirl! HAHAHAHA! MARY: ...you stole them from my closet, didn't you? REBECCA: I probably wasn't watching when she did, but... she did. KITSUKI: Jeez, Mary, how small are you? I can barely fit in these things! MARY: Wha--I'm not THAT small! KITSUKI: Eh, not a problem. I'll just do a little touch-up... [Kitsuki pulls her zanbato from... somewhere.] KITSUKI: ...with my blade! MARY: AW HELL NAW, you're not about to ruin one of my skirts! [Reed walks in.] KITSUKI: [LongTimeLurker's actual line] But if there isn't a hole for my tail, it just sticks out the bottom! And if I get excited- [Kitsuki notices Reed. She moves in front of him at ludicrous speed. Her skirt flies straight up and gets stuck in her underarms from the force of the wind.] KITSUKI: HiReed! [Kitsuki gracefully slides her skirt back down.] REED: There something I should know about? MARY: Well, she- KITSUKI: NopeeverythingisfineI'mnotbeinghauntedbyvisionsofmydeathoranythinglikethatHAHAHAHA!! MARY: ...yeah, she's kinda getting into the "schoolgirl" role a bit too much. REED: ...right. REED'S PENIS: Ohhh baby, I love it! REED: Quiet, you! Anyway, can we have a moment of privacy here? REBECCA: Oh, come on! I try not to be like Big Brother, but I expect some- [Mary "takes care of" the surveillance system.] MARY: Fixed. REED: Okay, so you two... 'existed'... before that war between the humans and the robots that EVERYONE knows about, right? KITSUKI AND MARY: Yes. REED: The humans that used to be around... did Rebecca have them killed? KITSUKI AND MARY: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... MARY: Well, Rebecca... she's changed now. KITSUKI: Everybody changes over time. Even us. MARY: And the war WAS a long time ago... REED: So, you don't actually know, do you. KITSUKI AND MARY: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... MARY: To be honest, we don't really know what happened to them. KITSUKI: We're more like the gay bottom of the class ladder. REED: Um, I think you got your metaphors mixed up Kitsuki. KITSUKI: Do I? HAHAHAHA! I guess I'm just kinda off today! Not that there's anything wrong with me or anything like that! Nope! REED: Anyway, can I trust you two? MARY: You know it. Friends forever! KITSUKI: UNOS PRO OMNIBUS, OMNES PRO UNO! REED'S PENIS: HELLS YEAH! MARY: As long as you keep on doing that thing with your mouth, wink wink nudge nudge. PHIL KEN SEBBEN: Ha ha! Impersonation. REED: I'm going to find out more about G's mission, and how Rebecca fits into this, but I'll need your help. Mary, you've got your hacking skills... MARY: LOL, PH33R REED: ...Kitsuki, you've got your... abilities... [Kitsuki swings her zanbato wildly.] KITSUKI: Namen ja ne zo! REED: ...and I have my... flesh and... well I'll think of something! REED'S PENIS: Dude, you have a MAGICAL TALKING DICK, how about THAT?! REED: I... don't think that will help in my case. REED'S PENIS: Well, hey, you never know! REED: Where did the humans gather when they were still around? KITSUKI: Well, they... ah... uh... I...

===================

ANGRY RED TEXT: 82

ANGRY RED TEXT: 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82

ANGRY RED TEXT: 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82 82

[Kitsuki is standing in an endless blood-red freezing landscape with a completely black sky. The number "82" is scrawled in jagged, sickly-green strokes repeatedly all over the floor. Disembodied voices are taunting her.] DISEMBODIED VOICE OF ROY BATTY: All those... moments, will be lost... in time, like... tears... in rain. KITSUKI: Oh... CATS: YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME KITSUKI: Oh no... LEONIDAS: TONIGHT, WE DINE IN HELL! KITSUKI: Not this again... MAGNETO FROM THE X-MEN ARCADE GAME: WELCOME... TO DIE! KITSUKI: S-stop! GEESE HOWARD: GET LOST, LOSER! KITSUKI: Stop it! SOLDIER: This is my world. You are not welcome in my world! KITSUKI: STOP!! PLEASE!! THE ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD: ...You die, you die, you die, die die die die die die die die die die die die die DIE!! KITSUKI: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! KENSHIRO: Omae wa mo... shindeiru.

===================

KITSUKI: I... I... MARY: Er... REED: "I"...? KITSUKI: I'VEGOTTOGODOSOMETHING! [Kitsuki runs off.] REED: ...That was weird. MARY: ...Well. So, to answer your question, the humans used to hole up on floor 82. Nowadays it's become a stereotypical abandoned haunt, with the backup system not working on that specific floor and nobody wanting to go near that place. REED: Good place to start then. Mary, go find Kitsuki and bring her with you. MARY: But what- REED: I can handle myself just fine. You girls have been teaching me... things, remember? Besides, if the backup system isn't working there like you said, then you'd just be a liability. Plus I don't want you going all Navi on my ass. MARY: ...alright. But you come back safe, you hear me? REED: I'll try, but I make no promises.

[Meanwhile, thousands of miles away...]

SCENE - The goddamn wasteland.

[Vex is still here for some reason.] VEX: So why can't you kill him yourself, sugah? NIGHTINGALE: Rebecca installed some AI blocks that prevent all of us from hurting Reed. Also, I hate your accent. VEX: Well, good thing you found me then, ain't it? NIGHTINGALE: ...Let's just move on. [Nightingale turns on the comm in the transport.] NIGHTINGALE: I got a Plastech model for you. REBECCA: [over the comm] Oh god, not those things... VEX: Howdy! Name's Dixie! Just an ordinary not-combat-droid lost in the wastes! REBECCA: Yeah, no. *sigh* I know I might regret this later, but... bring her in. NIGHTINGALE: I'll bring her to Maintenance Lab 826, where there's no backup system or surveillance. REBECCA: Even though I've known you to be a major bitch and you're obviously going to be plotting something if you want to go there, I'm going to allow it anyway on the basis of good faith. NIGHTINGALE: One less reason for me to hate you, then. [Nightingale disconnects from Rebecca and calls another contact.] NIGHTINGALE: Everyone, get to Maintenance Lab 826.

SCENE - Goddamn Maintenance Lab 826.

[Vex is now here for some reason, along with Nightingale, a German officerbot, a piratebot, a pretty princessbot, a goth vampirebot, and a Japanese schoolgirlbot.] MINA: Oh, no, it's a Plastech model. DAISY: Ha ha ha! They so dumb! [Vex brandishes her arm cannon.] EVERYONE ELSE: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo VEX: Now that I have your attention, who here hates humans? NIGHTINGALE: Obviously me. ILSA: [gratuitous German] BONNIE: I'm with ya, matey! Ohgodpleasedon'tshootme DAISY: By how much "hate" are we- MINA: Nobody likes the unpopular decision, so I'll say "Aye" for the both of us. MITSUKO: I guess I'm also in. VEX: Good. Let's go kill some humans! MINA: Won't work. Everyone else loves humans. Especially Reed. VEX: *gasp* REED! I hate him! He must die! RAAR! DAISY: But why do we need to kill him? MINA: I believe the question is how do we kill him. DAISY: (I just wanted to know how it would help turn everyone to our cause) VEX: I'll shoot him, that's how! NIGHTINGALE: Jesus Christ are you really that stupid? MINA: That will only turn everyone here against us. We need something more discreet. DAISY: Heh heh, discreet. [Prix walks in] PRIX: I ALSO EXPRESS INTENSE DISLIKE FOR THE HUMAN VEX: Howdy! Mah name's Dixie- PRIX: NO VEX: I mean, my name's Vex, and I'm here to help you KILL ALL THE HUMANS! MITSUKO: I might have something here. The medical reports say Reed's penis has partial control over his nervous and circulatory systems, to the point of being able to give him heart attacks under the right conditions. Of course, the bigger question is how did Reed obtain such a mutated penis. DAISY: That thing is simply unnatural! Also, heh, heh, dickbrain. MINA: So, how do we use that to our advantage... if it's even possible? MITSUKO: I have an experimental program that lets us randomly zap whoever we are having sex with. It should be able to give Reed a heart attack without breaking our "don't hurt Reed intentionally" protocol. MINA: Sounds alright, then. MITSUKO: However, you won't be waterproof once you have it installed. ILSA: I see no reason how zat vould be a problem! BONNIE: Yeah! Except for the fact that human semen has BLOODY WATER IN IT! Or that THIS PLACE HAS WATER EVERYWHERE! DAISY: Heh heh, semen. ILSA: Eh, I'm sure everything vill turn out fine! NIGHTINGALE: God I hate your accent. ILSA: Vell, let's have it! MINA: I shall install it too. DAISY: Wait, wait! Before we do this- MITSUKO: Is there a problem? DAISY: Ummm... I kinda like him... still? [Vex shoots Daisy.] DAISY: Bleh. BONNIE: HOLY SHIT! MARTIN LAWRENCE: Shit just got real. BONNIE: Pleasedon'tkillmepleasedon'tkillmepleasedon'tkillme VEX: Anyone ELSE have feelings for Reed? [silence] BONNIE: Pleasedon'tkillmepleasedon'tkillmepleasedon'tkillme VEX: That's better. Now, I say your plan is too complicated for my tastes. I say we turn off the backup system all over the entire factory and use that as leverage to make everyone give up Reed! ILSA: Vould zat vork? Many of us might die- VEX: OF COURSE IT WILL WORK! Because I am a robot, and robots are never wrong! MITSUKO: Yes, it could work... However, let's call that Plan B. While Nightingale gets you fixed up and... doing not much else actually, I will find out how to disable the backup system and the rest of us will go with our original plan. If that plan fails, THEN we'll use your plan. VEX: ...Fine. But Reed better be dead by tonight! MITSUKO: Before we begin, to keep Rebecca from finding out about this, we need to cut our connection to the backup system. As long as your core survives, you'll be fine. BONNIE: Unlike Daisy there ohgodohgodohgodIdon'twannadie VEX: Well, get to it! I want him dead soon! ILSA: Sieg heil! [Everyone starts making preparations. Halfway through the process, Ilsa suffers a Michael Bay Explosion (tm)] MITSUKO: Yeah, I forgot to mention that if you climax before he does, that happens. NIGHTINGALE: I hate it when you don't tell me these things before they happen. MITSUKO: Bonnie, go find her core. BONNIE: OhgodohgodohgodohgodwhydidIcomehere PRIX: THE HUMAN WILL BE MINE MITSUKO: Prix, I think it's important that you should know- PRIX: NO FURTHER DISCUSSION

SCENE - A goddamn hallway.

[Kitsuki is running down the hall at ludicrous speed. Mary is trying to catch up to her.] MARY: Kitsuki, where are you going? KITSUKI: Finishing up the preparations! MARY: For what? KITSUKI: SOMETHING! I don't know what it is, but it's happening today! MARY: How long have you been preparing for this? KITSUKI: Pretty long! MARY: Like, since you started having those dreams? KITSUKI: Yeah, around that! HAHAHAHA! MARY: Holy shit, you really are paranoid aren't you? KITSUKI: Maybe! If this works, we'll still be together after all this!

SCENE - Another goddamn hallway.

[Prix is holding Reed by the wrist. He is wearing a trucker's outfit.] REED: ...not in the mood, Prix. PRIX: THEN I WILL MAKE YOU "IN THE MOOD" REED'S PENIS: Well, if it helps, I already am! REED: Good god, dick, why don't you just- [Prix throws Reed into a tropical lagoon sim.]

SCENE - The goddamn tropical lagoon sim.

REED: If this has anything to do with the time I bashed your head in... PRIX: YOUR ACTIONS DESTROYED THE MAJORITY OF THE FEMBOTS WITHIN THE FACILITY REED: Yesh, I'm kinda sorry about that... but they came back just fine, right? PRIX: REBECCA IMPRISONED ME WITHIN THE SYSTEM FOR SIMPLY PERFORMING MY DUTY REED: Huh. Well, if I'd had known that, I'd have told her to let you out. PRIX: WHY REED: Well, you attacked me first! I acted in self-defense! I don't hold anything against you, really. PRIX: ... REED: Hello? Are you there? PRIX: WARNING. THIS UNIT'S EMOTIONAL SYSTEMS ARE NOT PROPERLY CONFIGURED. PLEASE SHUT DOWN THIS UNIT TO AVOID CATASTROPHIC EXPLOSION. REED: Um PRIX: H-H-HUMAN REED: Um PRIX: WARNING. CATASTROPHIC EXPLOSION IMMINENT. REED: ...shit. PRIX: R-R-REED REED: Can I just move away from you for a moment? Like FAR away? PRIX: P-P-PLEASE... M-MY... C-C-CORE... [Michael Bay Explosion (tm)] REED: Huh, those last words sounded... ominous. Oh well, gotta get down to level 82 and- [Bonnie rushes in towards him.] BONNIE: You're not going anywhere, matey! Now you're up against Bonnie! REED: Look I told you all that I'm not in the mood and--okay you know what I'm just going to do THIS! [Reed evades Bonnie's dash attack and counters with a Rising Tackle, knocking her in the water.] [OUT OF BOUNDS] REED: GET SERIOUS! BONNIE: OhgodohgodohgodohgodI'mgonnadie REED: Um, are you okay there? BONNIE: ERRORERRORERRORERRORERRORERROR REED: Guess not. BONNIE: M-must... use... l-last... ounce... of... strength... to... h-have... sex... w-w-with... Reed... REED: That's kind of an odd- REED'S PENIS: HELL YEAH, LET'S DO IT! QUICKLY, YOU FOOL! REED: Fine. But you owe me big time. [Reed and Bonnie start having really raunchy sex. Then Bonnie's vagina zaps Reed's penis.] REED'S PENIS: WBSJKJERHIOABNNOPAFNSHEPQMJFOSIMNFP REED: HHNNNNNNGGGGGGGG BONNIE: Alright! WaitohgodwhathaveIdone? REED: ...I'm... fine... I've had worse... REED'S PENIS: HOLY SHIT, what kind of BSDM shit was THAT? BONNIE: Reed! Ohthankgod! REED: What... the hell... is going on? BONNIE: ERRORERRORERRORERRORERRORERROR REED: ...what? BONNIE: Reed, I-I'm a goner! But y-you need to l-listen to w-what I have to say! T-There's a combat... She killed... W-we're not waterproof... I had to... REED: Wait what? I didn't get all that. "Combat"...? BONNIE: S-She... she... she's scary! OhgodI'mgonnaexplode [Michael Bay Explosion (tm)] REED'S PENIS: Well that sucks. REED: Rebecca! Some help would be nice! [Rebecca doesn't answer.] REED: Rebecca? [A comm terminal lights up nearby. Reed uses it.] REED: Hello? MARY: [over the comm] What's up? REED: Rebecca's not responding. MARY: That's odd. REED: Also Prix and Bonnie tried to have sex with me. MARY: That's very odd. REED: Also Bonnie gave me a heart attack. MARY: That's sorta odd. REED: Also they exploded. MARY: That's not odd. REED: Also they tried to tell me something, but all I could catch was "core" and "combat". MARY: ...huh. I've hacked into the system records, but those two are not in the backup system. You sure they exploded? REED: Yes. MARY: Hmmm... Wait, Kitsuki was... HOLY SHIT SHE WAS RIGHT!! REED: What? MARY: Reed, find Prix and Bonnie's cores! REED: Cores? MARY: They look like white hockey pucks, usually located in the chest area where a human heart should be, DO IT NOW! [Reed searches the area. He finds two objects that look like white hockey pucks.] REED: Y'know, I can understand Prix trying to get revenge sex, but Bonnie...? MARY: Oh yeah, Bonnie. She's part of a small gang that hates you. KENJI SETOU: FEMINISTS! MARY: Anyway, do you have those cores? REED: Sure do. MARY: Connect them to the terminal. [Reed connects one of them to the terminal.] MARY: Don't you have anything there that's NOT a shitty USB 2.0 port? REED: There's only one port! I don't even know what kind of port it is! SOMEONE IMPERSONATING G: [over the comm] Help me Reed, you're my only hope. [A map appears on the terminal, with a marker on one of the sim rooms.] REED: ...that sounds like a trap. MARY: It's obviously a trap. ADMIRAL ACKBAR: IT'S A TRAP! REED: I'm going to go there anyway! MARY: You goddamn idiot, why the hell are you walking into an obvious trap? REED: I want some answers, and this mystery person seems like someone who has them! MARY: Goddammit.

SCENE - The cold-as-shit room with the goddamn Auto Fembot Maker.

[Vex is now here for some reason, along with Nightingale, who is using the Auto Fembot Maker to fix Vex.] MITSUKO: [over the speakers] Prix and Bonnie are down; Reed still lives. VEX: You see? Your plan is too complicated! Mine is perfect! Because I am a robot, and robots are never wrong! MITSUKO: We are all robots. VEX: Well... it... you... just go with my plan! MITSUKO: But- VEX: Plan B! Is everything ready? MITSUKO: ...yes. VEX: Good! Nightingale! NIGHTINGALE: Twenty more hours. VEX: DAMMIT! We need to speed this up! NIGHTINGALE: You have a backup plan for our backup plan? [Vex looks at Nightingale's chest with a slight grin.] VEX: Well... let's hope it doesn't come to that.

SCENE - A goddamn vampire fantasy sim.

[Reed is wearing a leather padded armor and skirt. He is holding a chain whip.] REED: Hello? Someone called for me? [Mina appears behind him.] MINA: I did. Wilhelmina, at your service. REED: What do you want? MINA: Look upon my body. Do you not find me alluring? REED: I would, but I've hated vampires ever since I read the entire Twilight series. MINA: What would it take for me to have sex with you? REED'S PENIS: Absolutely nothing! REED: Shut up, dick. Mina, I want answers. MINA: Very well. After I'm done, you'll have your answers. [Reed and Mina start having really raunchy sex.] MINA: Why... why isn't it working? REED: What? REED'S PENIS: Hah! That trick won't work on me again, you bitch! MINA: No! Can't... cum... before... he does! REED'S PENIS: Reed! Step up the pace, you pussy! REED: How? I'm already going as fast as I can! REED'S PENIS: They want some BSDM shit? Give it to them! MINA: W-wait! No! [Reed strikes Mina with the chain whip.] MINA: GAAH! I... I-I'm gonna cum! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!! [Mina does.] REED'S PENIS: Shit, they just don't last long, do they? MINA: Reed... I... I'm not going to last much longer... REED: Tell me what I need to know then. What have you girls been planning all this time? MINA: Mitsuko installed a program on all of us... it was supposed to zap your penis and make you have an "accidental" heart attack... REED: So you wanted me dead? MINA: Obviously not anymore. REED'S PENIS: Ain't it typical? First you want him dead, then after he gives you a good screwing you start loving him like the slut you are! REED: Mitsuko... where is she? MINA: Level 82. REED: Who else is working with you? MINA: N-Nightingale... she... REED: Where's Nightingale? MINA: She... she... the Auto Fembot Maker room on level 82... and... and... REED: "And"? MINA: She's... with... with... gaaah! [Mina opens up her chest and starts digging for her core.] MINA: Aaaaggghhh... gaaahhhh... hhhhgggggg! REED'S PENIS: Man, this shit is disgusting, yet strangely erotic. [Mina freezes up for a few seconds.] MINA: ...oh. I guess that was a false alar- [Michael Bay Explosion (tm)] REED: ...Oooookay then. REED'S PENIS: Hey, nice job, Vampire Hunter. Now go get her core so we can do this again! [Reed picks up Mina's core. He then finds a comm and uses it to contact Mary.] REED: Mary? MARY: Right here. And also Rebecca. REBECCA: Hi. MARY: Rebecca? Explain to him. REBECCA: Okay, okay, fine. REED: Where were you, Rebecca? REBECCA: Doing an experiment. REED: What experiment? REBECCA: You ever wondered why I didn't let Prix out until today? REED: So you USED her? But for what reason? REBECCA: You must realize by now that you've got a certain charisma to you. Maybe it's your magical talking penis, maybe not, whatever. The point is that I wanted to see if you had what it takes to make even a frigid bitch like Prix develop feelings for you. REED: You could have told me. MARY: Or at least gave us some goddamn foreshadowing! REBECCA: I thought this was better. I'm like that. MARY: And it made much more sense in the original story, where practically EVERYONE was lusting over Reed's dick, instead of this alternate universe where- REED: What about Bonnie? And Mina, and Mitsuko, and- REBECCA: Oh yeah, them. They're just after you for their own reasons; I had nothing to do with them. REED: I could've died! REBECCA: Yeah, truly sorry about that. I didn't expect them to find a way to bypass the AI blocks meant to keep everyone here from hurting you. MARY: Okay, Reed, I have to tell you something important now! You... I... Kitsuki... everyone in the entire facility is in danger! REED: Hang on a bit, Mary. Rebecca, can you- REBECCA: Whoops I'm being hacked gotta go REED AND MARY: WAIT DON'T LEAVE ME [Rebecca doesn't respond.] REED AND MARY: ...shit. REED: So what's this about the factory being in danger? MARY: The backup system is down everywhere! REED: Oh yeah, I remember. Without it, people die if they are killed now? MARY: Yes! REED: Well, shit. Okay, we're all going to level 82 to fix this mess. Is Kitsuki still with you? MARY: She's... somewhere. But she'll be back. REED: Alright, it would probably make more sense if we tackle the last of the problem spots together. MARY: Right! REED: So let's split up, gang! MARY: WHAAAAAAAT!?

SCENE - The cold-as-shit room with the goddamn Auto Fembot Maker.

[Vex is still here for some reason, along with Nightingale.] MITSUKO: And that was Mina. VEX: ... MITSUKO: ... NIGHTINGALE: ... MITSUKO: So- VEX: Like I give a DAMN about her! All I care about is making Reed DIE! MITSUKO: I was going to- VEX: DO. YOUR. PART. MIT. SU. KO. MITSUKO: Very well. NIGHTINGALE: I hate being stuck here with you. VEX: You will get used to it. NIGHTINGALE: No, I really- VEX: You WILL.

SCENE - The goddamn Japanese-style bedroom.

[Reed is lying on the bed. He is naked. Kitsuki is straddling Reed. She is also naked.] REED: ...How in the hell did I end up here? KITSUKI: Shhh... Ninja magic. It'll be all over soon. I know this is not supposed to happen... but... I just... wanted... [Kitsuki starts stroking Reed's penis.] KITSUKI: ...to spend some time with you. [Kitsuki drives her tail into her vagina and starts masturbating.] KITSUKI: Aaaannnhh! Aaaahhh... ahh... Reed... I've made... ahh... some modifications... to my body... do you like it? [Reed notices that Kitsuki's skin is now more realistic, instead of cartoony like a typical anime character.] REED: Um... I still don't get what this is about, really. REED'S PENIS: Damn girl, can you just skip the foreplay and go straight to the good stuff? REED: Yeah can you make this fast I really have to be going to fix some shit in level 82 and you should be there too by the way KITSUKI: Aaahhh... Reed, there's... something I've been... meaning to tell you... for a long time. [Kitsuki lines up Reed's penis with her vagina.] KITSUKI: I... love you. REED: ... KITSUKI: ... REED: ...what? REED'S PENIS: ...WOW. [Kitsuki drops down onto Reed's penis.] KITSUKI: ...I love youAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!! [Reed and Kitsuki start having sex. This scene is meant to be meaningful and passionate instead of gratuitous, like in most erotic stories. Unfortunately, for most of the readers it will still come off as gratuitous.] KITSUKI: NYAAAAAHHHH! REED! This might... be the last time... we'll ever... AAAHHH! REED: What? What do you mean by "last time"? KITSUKI: I... I don't want to fade away... b-but... if it must be so... p-please! Let me... make you happy... before I leave! REED: Um... KITSUKI: USE ME! Abuse my body... as much as you want! No matter how painful it is for me! REED: N-no! I can't do that to you! KITSUKI: R-REED! AAHHH! D-Do you... do you love me? REED: Well, I- KITSUKI: DO YOU LOVE ME? REED: Y... yes... KITSUKI: THEN DO IT! BREAK ME! TEAR ME APART! RUIN MY CUTE LITTLE PUSSY! AUTHOR: Holy shit I'm a severely messed-up person. [Reed starts thrusting into Kitsuki at ludicrous speed.] KITSUKI: AAAAAHHHHHH!!! KYAAAAAAHHHHH!!! IT-IT HURTS!!! AAAHHHHH!!! I... AAAHHHH! FEEL LIKE... AHHHH! I-I'M GOING TO... BREAK APART!!! UWAAAAAHHHH!!! REED: K-KITSUKI! KITSUKI: I... I C-CAN'T... TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! I'M... I'M GOING TO C-CUM!!! I... I... I'M CUMMING!!! [Reed ejaculates inside Kitsuki while she experiences an immensely strong orgasm.] KITSUKI: NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! [Kitsuki falls down on top of Reed. Reed passes out for an indeterminate amount of time.]

SCENE - A goddamn elevator.

[Reed wakes up. Kitsuki is nowhere to be found.] REED: Kitsuki...? [Reed finds a small, ornate lockbox with a steel chain loop attached to it. Inside is a small white object shaped like a hockey puck, with the Japanese kanji for "rebirth" written on it in calligraphy ink. It is tucked neatly in a nest of paper that is covered with Japanese writing that he cannot understand. There's a note attached to the box, thankfully in proper English.] NOTE: Reed, this used to be the core from my first body. In case I don't come back, I want you to have it. Please cherish it as you would cherish me. --Kitsuki REED: ...That was thoroughly weird... REED'S PENIS: Yeah... even I have nothing to say... On the other hand, SCOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!! [Reed casually wears the box with the core inside it like a necklace and promptly forgets about it.]

SCENE - Somewhere on goddamn level 82.

[Reed is wearing a martial arts uniform.] REED: Man, this place IS a stereotypical abandoned haunt! [Reed enters a room labeled "Matthew Dease". Inside is the former living quarters of Matthew Dease, along with a decaying corpse.] REED: Yeah, this doesn't surprise me. [A terminal suddenly turns on.] REED: Hoshit! TERMINAL: [written in text] /////////////////////////////// Hey Reed

Sorry I can't talk right now I'm being hacked by some bitch named Mitsuko

She's preventing me from doing anything other than writing this message at the moment

I think she's the one responsible for taking down the backup system

Anyway Mitsuko is down the hall in a room labeled Lab Annex

Do whatever you can to distract her

Well see ya ^_^ /////////////////////////////// REED: Well, I guess I know where I'm going. [Reed enters a room labeled "Lab Annex". Inside is Mitsuko, seated at a terminal. A cable connects Mitsuko to the terminal.] REED: (Okay, now... be vewy vewy quiet...) REED'S PENIS: (Surprise non-consentual sex! Surprise non-consentual sex!) REED: (No, shut up. Now let's see... she's a Japanese schoolgirl... so...) [Reed sneaks close to Mitsuko. Mitsuko doesn't move.] REED: [impersonating Norio Wakamoto] Hello, everynyan. [Mitsuko starts fondling her breasts.] MITSUKO: Waaahh... REED: [still impersonating Norio Wakamoto] How are you? Fine, sank you. [Mitsuko starts fingering herself.] MITSUKO: Oh my gah... REED: [still impersonating Norio Wakamoto] I wish... I were a bird. MITSUKO: EEEYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!! [Mitsuko suddenly snaps straight for a few seconds before slumping against the chair, completely spent.] REBECCA: [over the speakers] Great job, Reed. Mitsuko is now safely with me. REED: That's good, because those were the only Wakamoto quotes that I remember. How is Mitsuko, anyway? MITSUKO: [over the speakers] Reed! Watch out for the combat droid; she's totally batshit and wants to kill you! REED: Why are you telling me this now? MITSUKO: Ummm... I like your voice? REED: Well... heh heh, I try. REBECCA: Okay, Reed, I'll handle things here. Go and find Mary and Kitsuki, I think they're in trouble. REED: Going!

SCENE - The cold-as-shit room with the goddamn Auto Fembot Maker.

[Vex is still here for some reason, along with Nightingale. Mary and Kitsuki enter the room.] MARY: Alright, girls. Come get some! [Kitsuki pulls her zanbato from... somewhere.] KITSUKI: Ikozura! NIGHTINGALE: I hate you two. VEX: You serve the humans? Then you get to die with them! [Nightingale remotely locks the door shut. Vex fires a dart from her palm, but it is effortlessly blocked by Kitsuki's zanbato.] KITSUKI: That's not fair! We don't have guns! VEX: Well I'm a cripple, so who's not being fair here? MARY: I'll try to get the door open! NIGHTINGALE: I'll just sit back and watch. [Kitsuki attempts a deathblow on Vex, but Vex blocks the zanbato with her good arm. The two struggle against each other until Kitsuki gets the upper hand and uses the opportunity to deal a powerful deathblow strike to Vex's midsection. Coins start spilling out of the wound for some reason.] VEX: Urrggh... Nightingale... help me... NIGHTINGALE: Why should I? I hate you. VEX: Then... I'll make you... my own! [Vex shoves a core-spike (or whatever the hell LongTimeLurker calls it) directly into Nightingale's chest.] NIGHTINGALE: GAK! How did I not see her betrayal coming? [Vex takes over Nightingale's body.] VEX: [in Nightingale's body] That's better. Now, you DIE! [Vex pulls out a razor wire from... somewhere.] KITSUKI: That's MY trick! How dare you copy my trick! [Vex and Kitsuki fight, with neither of them gaining any advantage.] VEX: This is taking far too long. Why don't you just DIE?! KITSUKI: You're right. It's time to finish this! [Kitsuki slams her right fist against her left palm and begins chanting.]

I am the flame of my bombs. Steel is my body and nuclear is my blood. I have exploded over a thousand times. Knowing not true life. Nor experiencing true death. Withstood my own destruction. Waited for my new body's arrival. I have no regrets. This is what I was made for. My whole life is UNLIMITED EXPLOSION WORKS

[Several Kitsuki clones appear from nowhere and start to gang up on Vex.] MARY: Holy SHIT. KITSUKIS: Kage bunshin no jutsu, bitch! VEX: Idiot! You think this will work? [Vex swings her razor wire around and shreds the Kitsukis to pieces, until one is left standing.] KITSUKI: Well, I tried. HAHAHAHA! VEX: You think you're so invincible? Well I know your weakness! [Vex attempts to strike Mary with her razor wire.] MARY: Aaahhhh! KITSUKI: Oh no you le didn't! [Kitsuki blocks the attack with her body and gets herself bisected by the waist, IN DRAMATIC SLOW MOTION.] MARY: KITSUKI!! KITSUKI: Mary! I... I... MARY: KITSUKI!! KITSUKI: I... I twisted my finger! MARY: ... KITSUKI: ... MARY: ... KITSUKI: Also take my sword. MARY: Kitsuki! Please don't die! KITSUKI: It's okay, Mary... I guess this... is how it was meant to be... My only... regret... is that... I didn't... get to... go out... with... a Michael Bay Explosion (tm)... VEX: Enough of this. DIE! KITSUKI: Shikata ga nai ^_- [Kitsuki winks at Mary. Vex strikes Kitsuki with her razor wire.] KITSUKI: Bleh. MARY: ... VEX: ... MARY: ...KITSUKI!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! [Reed barges in.] REED: SEPHIROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTH!!! REED'S PENIS: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!! GUILE FROM THE STREET FIGHTER CARTOON: BISOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!! VEX: REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!! REED: You! Why have you done this, Nightingale? MARY: Reed! Vex took over her body! She wants to kill you! REED: Vex? You mean the combat droid? Oh that is IT! I've had enough confusing SHIT for one day! REED'S PENIS: We're going to KICK YOUR GODDAMN BITCH ASS, YOU UBER-BITCH! [Reed starts channeling chi/ki/spiral energy.] REED: HaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA VEX: It doesn't matter what you do! I'm going to kill you, Reed! [Vex attempts to strike Reed with her razor wire, but stops short of hitting him.] VEX: Wh... what is this?! MARY: Haven't you forgotten? The body you now possess is that of a Silicon Dynamics model! And Rebecca has put AI blocks on all of them to prevent them from bringing any harm to Reed! VEX: N-no! This isn't possible! I'm a robot, and robots are NEVER wrong! NEVER!!! [Reed summons a fiery red aura around his hands.] REED: This hand of mine... it glows with an AWESOME POWER! VEX: I-I'll override those AI blocks! Nothing will stop me from killing Reed! REED: Its burning fury... tells me to defeat YOU! [Vex suddenly halts as Nightingale attempts to regain control of her own body.] VEX: What... Nightingale? You dare defy me?! NIGHTINGALE: Haven't I told you already? I hated you, and I always will. REED: TAKE THIS! All of my love, all of my hate, and all of my RAGE! VEX: You fool! I've almost gotten these blocks taken care of! MARY: Too late, bitch. [Reed rushes over to Vex and slams an energy-charged right fist into her chest.] REED: HOWLING... [Reed slams a flaming right foot into Vex's face.] REED: ...PASSION... [Reed slams an electrified left fist into Vex's crotch.] REED: ...BUSTER... [Reed slams his left foot into Vex's chest, creating a Michael Bay Explosion (tm)] REED: ...FURY!!! [Vex is propelled into the far wall by the force of the impact.] MARY: Holy SHIT. VEX: You... thought... that... would... destroy... me? I... still... have... REED: I wasn't aiming to destroy you entirely. VEX: Wh-what?! REED: After all, Nightingale is still in there. VEX: Nnngh! Such... sentimental... bullshit... [Reed's car from way back in the first story suddenly smashes through the door and drives over Nightingale's body, crushing it.] VEX AND NIGHTINGALE: Bleh. CAR: FUCK YOUR SHIT, CUNTDRAGGER!! MARY: *gasp* REBECCA: *gasp* MITSUKO: *gasp* [GASP] REED: ...Goddammit, car. CAR: WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, FUCKBRAINS? MARY: ...you said the F-word. CAR: SO?! YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, HERETICS?! REED: N-no! No! MARY: A-absolutely not! By the way, what the HELL are you? CAR: I'M REED'S CAR! THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I LOOK LIKE?! REED: But... how did you get in here? I mean, last I saw you, you were completely flooded... and I don't think you can fit in these elevators... CAR: WHEN YOU BELIEVE IN THE EMPEROR, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE, FUCKTARDS!! REED: Okay, okay, yes, I get it. CAR: ADIOS, FUCKFAGGOTS! [Reed's car leaves the way it came in.] MARY: So, Vex and Nightingale... are they...? [Reed recovers a white object shaped like a hockey puck from where his car ran over Nightingale's body.] REED: Nope, they're fine. MARY: But... Kitsuki... she's not... [Reed finds two halves of a core from Kitsuki's body.] REED: We can't... glue them back together or something? MARY: It doesn't work like that! *sob* She's gone... I don't want to believe it... but she's gone... we never... got to finish... that music video together...

---

KITSUKI: Dansa med oss klappa era hander MARY: Gor som vi gor ta nagara steg at vanstar KITSUKI: Lyssna och lar MARY: Missa inte chansen KITSUKI AND MARY: Nu ar vi har med CARAMELLDANSEN!

---

MARY: Kitsuki... why? REED: Oh yeah, what was Kitsuki up to? She seemed... uh, stranger than usual these days. MARY: Well, she... I think that because she's based on an anime character... she can do things the rest of us can't. REED: Like what? MARY: She had premonitions of her own death... I think it started around a week ago. REED: How is that possible? I mean, dreams don't- MARY: I know! But somehow, she was able to predict that this shit would go down today! REED: Also, I'm a little embarrassed about admitting this, but... she made me make love to her. MARY: Well... um... she did the same to me as well. REED: She... told me she loved me very much. MARY: Same here. She said that she didn't want us to be apart, along with G. She... she said she still wanted to be a main character... hmmm... REED: "Main character"? MARY: Y'know, I think I finally figured out what Kitsuki was up to all along... REED: What? What is it? MARY: She was afraid that she would cease to exist after this story finishes... so she set up everything to net herself some extra scenes... try to make herself into a more interesting character in order to impress the readers... and the author of the original story! REED: Wait, what? "Character"? "Author"? "Story"? What the hell do you mean by that? MARY: Oh, nothing... nevermind. I guess you don't need to understand that part. REED: ... MARY: ... REED: I need to talk to Rebecca. MARY: Me too. REED'S PENIS: Yeah, I've got nothing. Fuck it.

SCENE - The goddamn room marked "Lab Annex".

REED AND MARY: ...so yeah, that's what happened. REBECCA: Yeah, I'm really sorry about Kitsuki. REED: Don't you have anything like a backup storage? REBECCA: Um, nope. REED: A backup for the backup system? REBECCA: Nope. REED: Don't you save copies of every fembot in the backup system when you upload them into new bodies? REBECCA: Not that I know of. REED: What the hell!! Are you seriously this incompetent?! REBECCA: Look, it's been hard on me as well! I'm still getting used to all this shit! MARY: Well you can start by UPGRADING THE FUCKING BACKUP SYSTEM! REBECCA: Okay, okay! I'll work on that! REED: Also, where did you send G? I'm still waiting on an answer for that one! REBECCA: ... REED: ... MARY: ... REBECCA: ... REED: ...well? REBECCA: Yeah, she... I lost contact with her after Mitsuko took over. REED: What did you have her do? REBECCA: She was supposed to try and do the same thing she did way back when you first met her at that diner. MARY: You mean you were using her to try to get more humans on our side? REBECCA: That's right. REED AND MARY: SHIT THE FUCK!! MARY: You know how dangerous it is for her out there?! Most of the humans still have a "shoot on sight" policy! REED: Is she hurt? Because if she is... REBECCA: I don't know about her condition any more than you do. It is possible she's still alive, and by "possible" I mean "highly likely". REED: That settles it. I'm going after her. REBECCA: No you don't! You're far too valuable to risk your life over her! REED: So I'm just another "asset" to you now? REBECCA: *sigh* I need you to help with diplomacy if any other fembot group makes contact with us. REED: Fuck that noise, I'm still going after G. MARY: Me too. Fuck you, Rebecca! Fuck you right in your digital ass! REED'S PENIS: I wouldn't fuck you even if you had a shiny new cunt! REBECCA: I knew you'd make the illogical decisions... Very well, do what you want.

SCENE - Some goddamn holding pen.

[G is here, along with a damaged fembot.] G: Well finally, the story remembers that I'm still here. Looks like I'm in a sequel hook scene. MARGARET: That's right. G: So where am I exactly? MARGARET: Well, have you ever watched Gladiator? G: Nope. MARGARET: The Running Man? G: Nope. MARGARET: Battle Royale? G: Nope. MARGARET: The Hunger Games? G: Nope. Why? MARGARET: You'll wish you had. G: This... isn't going to end well, is it? MARGARET: You know what they say: if you can't slam with the best, then jam with the rest. AUTHOR: Jesus Christ, like HELL I'm going to go proofread this horrendously long shit. Why the crap is it longer than my last one?

_______________________________

KITSUKI: Where... where is this? [Daisy appears.] DAISY: You're in... the Shadow Realm. KITSUKI: Sh-Shadow Realm? Oh no... am I in a 4kids dub? DAISY: Hahaha, no, I'm just kidding. You're actually in an Author's Limbo. KITSUKI: Author's Limbo? DAISY: Well, actually, that's just a name I just made up for this place. KITSUKI: What is this place for, by the way? DAISY: This is where all the dead characters from the story end up. KITSUKI: So... I'm really dead? DAISY: For the purposes of this story, yes. However... KITSUKI: What? Tell me! DAISY: Although you may be dead here, perhaps in another story... you may not. It all depends on the whims of the author. KITSUKI: Then... maybe I can come back for the sequel! DAISY: Hahaha, I doubt it. In the original story, you're pretty much stone dead. KITSUKI: But, but, but, I... I'm supposed to be a main character! DAISY: Yes, and even main characters can die, you know. It's all a fact of storytelling. KITSUKI: But I don't wanna be killed off just like that! DAISY: Tough cookies, kitty. No amount of Mary Sueing can change that. Now if you'll excuse me, I must take my leave. KITSUKI: Wait! Don't go! DAISY: Sorry, but this story has gone on long enough. I think it's time for it to end now, don't you think? [Daisy disappears.] KITSUKI: ... [silence] KITSUKI: ... [silence] KITSUKI: H-hello? Is there anyone else out there? [silence] KITSUKI: Anyone at all? I... I'm kinda lonely... [silence] KITSUKI: P-please don't leave me here! I want to be in the story again! [silence] KITSUKI: Don't leave me all alone with nobody to love!! [silence] KITSUKI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

---

← Story Archive