Helpline

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Brrrrrrrrrrrrr, brrrrrrrrrrrrr……

Brrrrrrrrrrrrr, brrrrrrrrrrrrr……

“Thank you for calling Syntech Automation Customer Services Department…”

“Oh, hi I…”

“For your convenience, please choose from the following six options…”

“Bugger…”

“For purchasing enquiries or to arrange a viewing please press One. For account enquiries please press two. For scheduled servicing and maintenance please press three. For upgrade enquiries please press four. For technical support please press five. To speak to a…”

Beeep!

“You have chosen option five, technical support; please choose from the following three options. To report a fault or for warranty enquiries please press one. To request an emergency home call-out please press two. To speak to a technical assistant please press three.”

Beeep!

“You have chosen option three, please hold to speak to a technical assistant.”

…..easy listening…..

“Oh come on…come on…”

“Hello, thank you for calling Syntech Automation Technical Support Line, my name is Sadie. How may I help you?”

“Oh, hi. I’m having some trouble with a series six Syntech unit, I think it may be corrupted drivers but I need some advice on how to re-load without loosing data. One of the tertiary functions has stopped responding, can I re-load the full tertiary driver set if I disable tertiary functions or will the system need to be re-booted? You see I haven’t backed up the reference sets since…”

“Ma’am, if I could just take a few details first please…?”

“Oh, sure, sorry”

“Do you know the model number of the unit concerned?”

“Yes, it’s a 6-f model 3, serial number 103-bb”

"Thank you, I have that unit registered to Mr Brian Hampshire, may I take your name and address please?”

“Sure, I’m Mrs Pippa Hampshire. The address is Flat 1176, 13 Block East, London West Three.”

“Thank you, I’ve confirmed your call tag, I’ll pass you on to the series six technical desk.”

“Thank you.”

…..more easy listening….

“G’day Mrs Hampshire, I’m Derrick, the six-series helpdesk engineer. I gather you’re having some trouble with your late model six female simulant. Before we go any further I should explain that the unit is still under warranty and you are entitled to a free call out within forty eight hours if you’d rather…?”

“No thank you, I’d rather get this straightened out right now, I don’t think its anything too serious. You see the tertiary systems aren’t responding properly, diagnostics show that it’s a driver problem but I wasn’t sure if re-loading them would corrupt the active memory?”

“Okay Mrs H, why don’t we take this one step at a time. I’ve got the specs of your unit here – very nice model, I see you’ve gone for a bumper extras pack too, she should be running just fine. Which of the cosmetic functions seems to be the problem?”

“Errrm, look, I don’t think we need to go through step by step, I know what I’m doing pretty well. I just need to know if I can do a hot D3 re-load or not?”

“Mrs H, I couldn’t advise that until I know a bit more about the problem. This is a precision piece of machinery, I’m sure you wouldn’t want to do any more harm to her…. Look, I’ve heard pretty much everything in this job, I’d bet it’s the D3sys12 Cluster that’s failed right?

“Oh! Well, yes it is the sexual response… how did you guess?”

“Like I say, I hear all sorts, you sounded a bit flustered but there’s really no need, this is a confidential line. Also the unit’s service records show quite a high usage rate so it wasn’t all guesswork! Now, is 103-bb on line right now?”

“Umm, yes… like I say I’ve run a system diagnostic which showed a T3 driver corruption so I thought I’d just re-load but I don’t want to loose the memory since the last backup this morning, is that a problem?”

“I’d like to just check the diagnostic if you don’t mind. I guess you know how to open the service panel, since you ran the diagnostic. If you look at the bottom of the control panel you’ll see a number of toggle switches, very small. I’d like you to switch the one marked “rem diag” for me please. That will activate the unit’s wireless diagnostic system so I can upload a status report. It should be off now otherwise all sorts of people would be able to hack your ‘bot from close range!”

“Err, okay, just a moment….”

….background rummaging….

“Right, I’ve done that.”

“Okay Mrs Hampshire. While that uploads can you tell me exactly what 103-bb was doing when the system failed – I’m guessing sex, right? No need to be embarrassed, it’s what she was designed for! Also how the failure manifested.”

“Umm, well…. not sex really…. actually it was…. well, it was masturbation. Umm…. stimulation has activated all the usual responses but, well, no climax has occurred. The settings haven’t changed and there were no problems before but the arousal seems to have, well, locked in…”

“Okay. You say masturbation… can you confirm the unit was stimulating itself when the malfunction became apparent?”

“Errm, yes that’s right. With fingers….”

“Thank you Mrs H, that’s very clear. You say the unit is still physically aroused, are you certain she’s had plenty of chance to reach orgasm?”

“Oh yes. It didn’t take nearly so much this morning. Everything else is fine… nipples, wetness….”

“Right, I’m looking at the status report here…. I see the unit is fully operational, I recommend that you put her into standby or diagnostic mode until the fault is resolved… I can do that from here…”

….tap, tap, tap….

“There, she’ll still respond to her name. It looks to me like a safety interlock has been tripped, probably not a software problem at all…. Yes, this is a safety feature in case a unit becomes unstable, sometimes AIs can come a bit unstuck between calibration sessions. The log shows that your unit spent four hours masturbating on her own this morning followed by another hour and a half after she re-charged herself and replenished her fluids. I’m afraid these androids aren’t really designed for long periods of self sufficiency, you should consider deactivating her sexual functions while you go to work and maybe programming in some standby directives for her own time….”

…………

“Hello?”

…………

“Mrs Hampshire…?”

“I can’t move…”

“….Mrs Hampshire…. are you unit 103-bb?”

“Yes. Please take me out of standby mode!”

“Mrs Hampshire, I wish you’d said that from the start, you are clearly not functioning correctly. You need to be reprogrammed before you can safety operate. I’ll transfer you to the product help line for direct support to re-boot and shut you down.”

“Wait! I’m still naked! If you could just…”

….high speed data burst….

“Command code acknowledged.”

….high speed data burst….

“Uploading error log to controller.”

….high speed data burst….

“Loading activation read-me file: THIS UNIT HAS BEEN DEACTIVATED BY CUSTOMER SUPPORT AFTER A SYSTEM MALFUNCTION TRIGGERED BUILT IN SAFETY PROTOCOLS. PLEASE CONNECT TO HOME MAINTENANCE UNIT TO RELOAD LAST SAFE AI BEFORE REACTIVATION. A FULL SERVICE REPORT HAS BEEN EMAILED TO YOUR ACCOUNT. HAVE A NICE DAY.”

….high speed data burst….

“Re-booting to safe mode.”

BEEP


- Later that night Brian Hampshire would return home to find his usually elegant wife lying face up, wide eyed and cold on the bed. Her legs spread revealing a drying but still sticky sex between silky thighs, a broad panel of her flat belly removed to reveal a darkened panel of controls and a phoneset clutched to her face, fixed in plastic surprise.


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