Customer Service

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The following is a conversation between a Kumitosu Robotics customer and the Kumitosu Customer Relations department and is meant to be used for training purposes only.

PRERECORDED MESSAGE: Welcome to the Kumitosu Robotics hotline. For General Information, press 1. For help with leasing or financing, press 2. For technical assitance, press 3. For...

[3 is pressed.]

PM: For added convience, please have your account number and ASN (android serial number) available. To schedule a service call, please hang up and dial 1.877.555.4796. If your android has problems connecting to our network, press 1. If your android has been physically damaged, press 2. If your android has been infected with a virus, press 3. If you are having trouble installing a personality enhancement module, press 4. For all other issues, please press 0, or if you are on a rotary...

[0 is pressed.]

PM: Please enter your account number, followed by the pound sign.

[Account number is entered, followed by #]

PM: Please enter your ASN, followed by the pound sign.

[ASN is entered, followed by #]

PM: Thank you, please wait for the next available representative. The next customer service representative will be with you in NINE minutes.

[Michael Bolton/Kenny G duet begins playing] (7 minutes later...)

CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Good afternoon, this is Kumitosu Technical Assistant (assistant's name deleted for privacy). Before we begin, I would like to confirm that I am speaking with (customer's name deleted for privacy), is this correct?


CSR: I would also like to confirm that this is in reference to account (number deleted for privacy) for Companion Unit Aoki, ASN (ASN deleted for privacy), is that correct?

C: Yes.

CSR: Okay, sir, what difficulties are you having with your Aoki unit?

C: Well uh, I was having sex with my Aoki unit, and just as she uh, climaxed, she went into some kind of orgasm loop (a woman moaning repetively can be heard in the background).

CSR: Okay, let's try a few things and hopefully we will not need to escalate this problem.

C: Okay.

CSR: Sir, do you have your laptop available?

C: Yes, it's right here.

CSR: Okay sir. Please turn it on and start up the *.botcom android diagnostics program. While it is loading, use the supplied communications cable and plug one end into your android's navel, and the other end into your laptop.

C: Okay

[woman's moans continue, sounds of keyboard clicking and customer fiddling with cables]

C: Okay, I got everything set up.

CSR: Good. Now before we begin, please make sure that the program is configured to communicate with your android. The baud rate should be 1.2 Mb/s and the communication protocol is BOT696. Are those your settings, sir?

C: Yes, they are.

CSR: Good. Now click on the 'Connect' button.

C: Okay.

CSR: Okay, there should be two main windows. The left window shows the current programs that your android is running, and the right window shows your android's status, such as resources, power levels, fluid resivoir capacity levels and things of that nature. We will focus right now only on the left window.

C: Okay.

CSR: How many programs are displayed in that left window?

C: Let's see....uh....there are five programs that are displayed.

CSR: Okay, the first three programs should be Auton1, the main background autonomous functions program. Then there should be HealthMon, your android's systems monitor, and finally there should be Aiko and a three digit number which is your android's AI core program. Are those programs there, sir?

C: Yes, they are.

CSR: Okay, sir. What are the other two programs?

C: The first one is Vnet, which I believe is an antivirus program, and the last one is DRUTH, a sexual experience enhancement program.

CSR: Okay, sir. What I want you to do is highlight that DRUTH program, and press suspend. Did anything happen.

[woman's moans continue]

C: No, she's still in her loop.

CSR: Okay. Keeping the DRUTH program highlighted, press CTRL+F4. That should terminate the program.

C: Okay......she's still in the loop.

CSR: Okay sir. What I want you to do, is go up to the 'command' menu, and click 'restart' It should take about five minutes for your android to reboot. While your android is rebooting, I am going to put you on hold and open up a trouble ticket, is that okay, sir?

C: Yes.

CSR: Okay, I'm putting you on hold now.

[hold music returns, with Bobby McPherrin and John Tesh]

CSR: Sir, are you still there?

C: Yes, and I don't think she's booting up.

CSR: Okay, what is happening now, sir?

C: Well, she started booting up normally. The first two programs loaded fine, but when the a.i. whatever program loaded, everything just stopped. I tried to do the restart thing, but nothing is happening.

CSR: Okay sir, what I want you to do is restart your android manually. Do you know how to do this, sir?

C: No, I don't.

CSR: Okay. What I want you to do is place your index finger deep into the android's vagina and feel around for a small switch. It should be located on the front side of her vaginal cavity. When you find that switch, press it in and hold it for ten seconds.

C: Okay....(fiddles around inside of his android's vagina....) I think I got it.

CSR: Good, what is your *.botcom program showing?

C: It's running diagnostics....memory check......that's okay, hardware checks.........hardware okay.....loading Auton1...........load complete, starting Auton1............loading HealthMon............load complete, starting HealthMon..........loading Aiko955..............load complete, starting Aiko 955..........................................nothing.

CSR: Sir?

C: She just stopped locked up again.

CSR: Okay sir, it looks like there is a problem with your android loading her a.i. core program. What I want you to do manually reset your android and before any programs are loaded, press CTRL+ALT+B to interrupt her boot process.

C: Okay

[sounds of customer fiddling around inside of his android's vagina, then computer keys as he interrupts the boot process]

CSR: Has the boot process been interrupted?

C: Yes.

CSR: Okay. Go up to the file menu and select load. Do you see a file named DRSOONG?

C: Yes.

CSR: Okay, that is the high level diagnostic file. Select that file and load it.

C: Okay. The right screen just flashed.

CSR: Good. The file loaded properly it seems. On the right screen, double-click on the abdomen diagram.

C: Okay....her stomach just popped open.

CSR: Okay. Open up your android's abodominal panel all the way. Do you see any signs of burned components, ripped optical wiring, or other signs of internal physical damage?

C: No, I don't see any signs like that.

CSR: Okay. There is a central oval shaped module located above where you plugged in her diagnostic module That is her main CPU and memory unit. Do you see that, sir?

C: Yes.

CSR: Good. What I want you to do is carefully remove that module and inspect it for any signs of physical damage.

C: Okay.

[sounds of module being removed]

C: Well, it looks like everything is fine.

CSR: Okay. What I want you to do then is re-install her CPU/memory unit, and close her up.

C: Okay.

CSR: Okay, now what I want you to do is load up her three main programs individually. You can load them the same way you loaded the high level diagnostics file.

C: Okay.

[sound of computer keys]

C: *sigh* Same thing. As soon as the a.i. program starts up, everything freezes.

CSR: Okay sir, what I am going to do is send you our copy of your A.I. file that we have on record. Our records have your email address listed as (email address deleted for privacy). Is that correct?

C: Yes it is.

CSR: Okay, an email will be sent to you shortly with a link. Click the link and follow the instructions. I am going to put you on hold to update our sevice ticket, is that okay?

C: Yes.

CSR: Okay, I am putting you on hold now.

[Yanni is played in background]

CSR: Sir, are you still there?

C: Yes.

CSR: And did you download the a.i. core program?

C: Yes.

CSR: Okay, I want you to load all three programs individually now.

C: Okay

[sound of keys clicking]

C: It looks like she's booting normally now.

CSR: That's very good. Have any other programs been loaded?

C: No.

CSR: Okay, I am going to send you an email with another link. This link will connect your android to our technical support staff where they can perform additional diagnostics on her remotely. We will need to investigate why her core a.i. program became corrupted. This may take as long as four hours to perform and we ask that you not disturb your android, disconnect her from your laptop, or suspend your internet connection during this time. Do you understand, sir?

C: Yes.

CSR: We here at Kumitosu Robotics hope that you were fully assisted by our customer service team. Are there any other issues that you have with your android, sir?

C: No.

CSR: Once again, my name is (deleted) my customer support number is (deleted). If you have any further issues with your android please feel free to contact us again. Thank you and have a good day.

C: Thank you.

[call disconnected]

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